The Funnies

A Confusing Lipstick Jungle

I went on a sort of lipstick splurge. Lipstick is great. It’s that moment when the female lead of any movie produced prior to the early 2000’s pulls a perfect tube of lipstick out of her brand-name clutch and proceeds to apply it while exclaiming “this party is so glamorous”, that makes us think she is the classiest woman we have ever seen. Every girl wants that. If they say they don’t, they’re lying. Thankfully, the early 2000’s delivered the death of oversized sweaters and high-waisted mom jeans (on everyone but moms), what accompanied it however was the birth of lip gloss. Lip gloss constitutes the opposite of lipstick: it is sticky, shiny and is to be applied either via a small paintbrush or strange fuzzy pad which no one ever questioned but I still find quite strange (What is this strangely soft pad made of, small bunny feet?). After a couple of years of battling out which lip gloss smell was the best or which shiny brand would cause the most extreme blinding sensation during flash photography, we all got over the fad and as trends return, the lipstick finally has as well.

Trying to find my perfect color, I decided to get as many as possible because I have zero knowledge on the official lip-shade vs. skin tone system and have absolutely no control over or awareness of my financial situation. So I got myself a set of five lipsticks. They came in a cool gold box covered with hot pink cursive letters that say “Love & Beauty” which I can only interpret as meaning that by using these products I will find love and become beautiful. Additionally, the back of the box told me these were “lip essentials” and once you bring the word essential into the picture, there is no turning back. Now you might wonder, “Amyra how can you afford to lead such a fabulous, decked out, fashionable life?” and I will tell you. I went to Forever 21, a store I like to refer to as “Never 21”, because the chance of whatever I bought still functioning by the time I turn 21 is wildly small. This name will of course have to be changed at the point in time when I turn 21.  Basically, Forever 21 has 6 months to up their quality or I will have to come up with something new, maybe along the lines of “Forever 21 ways to buy unsustainable clothing” or “Forever 21 because you are old and we sell clothes to keep you young forever but only with a lot of imagination and as long as you are at a nightclub with bad lighting”. My five shades cost me a whopping $7.95 with whatever was added with taxes: money I was definitely willing to invest. It is safe to say I was excited to try them all on.

A couple of hours later, I was set up in my living room-exclusively because it offers the best lighting accompanied by nice background music and borderline-too-honest commentary by my mom and sister- ready to get my lipstick on. This was the moment I realized each of my shades had a name- the core inspiration for writing this post. Each shade was paired with a name which had absolutely no connection to the color it was, whatsoever. Despite trying to get as creatively understanding as I could, I could not muster up the background or inspiration behind any of these names. How am I supposed to interpret “Vampire” as a red lip color? Or “Miami Beach”? Or “Living the Jet-Life”? Not only are these names ridiculous and add not an ounce of value to the product I have purchased, but there is actually a team of “namers” somewhere in the world earning money by confusing me on whether I bought lipstick or purchased Edward Cullen. This labeling of make up with unfitting and inappropriate names has gone on too long and helped no one in the process. It needs to stop. I suggest the money invested in giving names to each and every make up product instead be used for something more productive. Perhaps donate it to another name related cause: the “North West here is money so you can change your name once you are 18” Foundation.

In addition to discovering the information-laden labels given to my lipsticks, I also discovered that four out of the five shades were red and actually differentiated in no way. The remaining one was a purple tone. Forever 21 could have saved themselves a grand amount of time by cancelling the entire naming process and sticking with “red, red, red, red, dark red”. Please consider this, Forever.

I still love lipstick and wear the ones I purchased all of the time. Of course, I try and make it to as many glamorous parties as possible accompanied by my best friend and a brand-name clutch to finally fulfill my classy woman fantasy. Donning a bold lipstick, I am often complimented on my daring shade choice and asked “Amyra what color is that?” to which I proudly reply “red”.

 

Things I can commend Parents for

There are many things I can commend parents for doing. Endless amounts of things. Personally, I can’t even imagine having a child right now. Parents not only imagine it, they actually have one. They have a child, they own a person(Is that incorrect to say?). Sometimes, they even have more than one. And it’s just there, in addition to them, hanging out with them 100% of the time. That is a very large percent. They are like the cookies you impulsively buy at a store for whatever reason, that you then place on the counter and then they just stare at you all the time, knowingly, waiting to be eaten. But instead, it’s a living, breathing human, and not a cookie. Actually it’s literally, nothing like a cookie. Your child is essentially as far away from a baked good you can get. (bun in the oven)

Last Friday, I watched a movie with my dad. I know what you’re thinking: “Amyra, you’re crazy. Your life is so vibrant and dynamic” which, yes, is a very correct statement. It was another one of those crazy, I’ll-remember-this-forever Friday nights. Set up in my sweatpants and a vast supply of craisins and peanut m-n-m’s, I was ready to really shake things up. The movie was horrible. Absolutely, a waste of time. I might as well have spent my night the way I spend most other nights: watching various mammal species do adorable things like roll and sleep and then eventually I get frustrated getting stuck with 5 second YouTube ads(Get out of here ads, no one listens to you, we are all literally sitting and counting down until we can click ‘Skip’. Also, rude, because the button to skip is really small and sometimes I miss the ‘Skip’ button which brings me to the actual tab of the ad which I then need to listen to again and close. I see what you did there, I am onto your case YouTube). Anyways, the movie was terrible. It would have been better, had it had a single ounce of content. It must’ve been hard filming with no content. I don’t want to push any movie under the bus so I’ll just make a fake name for the horrible movie, let’s call it “The Lake House” and say it stars Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Just to paint a picture for you.

So I watched this movie, it is finally over, the little sense the beginning offered has definitively been eradicated and the credits are starting to roll in. Directed by, produced by, bim bam boom, lots of people we don’t know. Then, it happened. “Written by Lynzee Klingman” Lynzee Klingman. Lynzee. Klingman. Lynzee. Lynzee. Lynzee wrote “The Lake House”. Her name was Lynzee.

Let me throw out all the spelling versions of the name Lynzee(known to me as of March 10th 2014).

  1. Lynsie
  2. Lindsay
  3. Linsey
  4. Lindsey
  5. Linsie
  6. Lyn-Sie
  7. Lynnsie
  8. Lyndsay

I am going to try to say this in the friendliest way possible.

If you name your child a simple-as-fuck name like Lindsay, no amount of unfitting letters and abnormal puzzling will qualify that common name to be not common. Even if you spell it with 136 silent ‘q’s or put three accents and Umlauts into it, if your name is Sarah, your name will remain Sarah. The only difference is that you will be forced to have this conversation any time you meet someone:

“Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò, the doctor is ready for you.”

“Oh great!”

“Wow, what an interesting name you have!”

“Hi! Thanks! Yeah, my parents really like unique names!”

“How do you pronounce it?”

“Yeah so it’s spelled “Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò”, but it is actually pronounced “Sarah”.”

“What?”

“Yeah, confusing right?”

Trust me, this is not a hashtag worth it situation.

Besides, instead of calling you Sarah Miller or whatever run of the mill white last name you have, people will be forced to call you Sarah witha all the stupid q’s, which in my opinion is vastly worse than Sarah Miller. Additionally, I dare you to try to find a job, with the name Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò. You will never get a job that requires a nametag, because when they receive your employers order, every nametag business will wonder if they accidentally have crack cocaine running in their water and eventually go bankrupt because they spent all their money on expert water testing.

So, to sum up, there are many things I commend parents for. They generally feed their kids, bathe them, read to them, make sure they stay alive: all of the important stuff. Your children are amazing, they will be successful, give back to the world etc. I hope. But, do them a favor; if you are going to name your child Becky, spring for Becky not Behckie. Wanna go unique? Go unique! But try to stay in the fruit/vegetable/foods and the four cardinal directions realm. Who wouldn’t take North West or Apple Martin or Cocoa Arquette seriously? That’s super “in” right now, and, just comes across a lot more appropriate and classy.

You know what I mean.

 

Hair?

Hair is such a weird thing. We brush it, we wash it, we invented a chemical called shampoo to disentangle it? And then another chemical to like it more when we touch it? What is this adoration of soft hair about? I have completely fallen victim to it as well, don’t get me wrong. I love a good hair petting any day, but why do we care so much? Enough to have an entire industry revolve around charging me money to wash my hair. Did you know your hair is actually self-sufficient in cleaning itself, but we have dulled our natural production of cleaning oils with our use of shampoo and conditioner to the point that it is non-existent? THANKS PANTENE! And then hair product companies want to charge me $5.99 for a little bottle of shampoo for something I can do myself? I do not think so.

**Disclaimer, I still use shampoo, don’t think I am a pig, but it seems more dramatic if I say I don’t and what’s the point if I don’t preserve the drama you know?**

What’s really weird is that we are really into complimenting each other on our hair. Basically my entire middle school experience was: coming to school(too late obviously), getting to class, putting on my smackers chap-stick that smelled of some horrible fruit combination like watermelon-grape(ew how did I ever use those?!), sitting down and commenting on everyone’s hair that day. “Stacey, your hair looks so good! Did you crimp it last night?”. I remember when crimping was a thing. What was going on? No one looked too far into that did they? To continue my point, everyone was always complimenting everyone on their hair. Why? Does it really deserve a compliment? It’s not like I researched for a while, invested time in going to stores, went to college, majored in hair maintenance and found the best kind! I literally grew it myself. “Oh my god, Amyra your hair looks really good today!” …”Thanks Shawna, I’ve really been working hard on maintaining the production in my hair follicles!”. No, Shawna, don’t be silly. Get back to your chap-stick.

The best part is I don’t even try to grow it, it just happens. I have zero control over whether or not my hair keeps coming out of my head or not. When was the last time you went “Ohhhhhh I’m so stupid! I forgot to grow my hair again! SHIT. I really need it for my meeting tomorrow.”? Never, it’s like crying when Nemo’s mom dies in the beginning of Finding Nemo and his dad is just yelling around for her. You’re just hanging out, doing your thing and it just happens, no need to think about it. Literally, when I die, I will continue to grow hair. My body doesn’t even need me for my hair. I can be lifeless and the most boring person ever and still grow awesome hair.

What if we could decide for a while, just to not grow our hair and save the money we spend on haircuts? Supercuts, what is it? $10? That’s like 2 quality burritos, 3 if you’re pretty lenient on the quality. Maybe a little too lenient. That would be a great idea. Patent that product!

Herbal Essences here’s what I am laying down for you: stop spending money on extra-strong fans for your next  uber realistic commercial where a stunning girl walks down this street and then ties her hair in a knot(worth it) and then proceeds to untie it(worth it?) and shake it away in a ghust of wind.  Instead  invest some money in inventing a product that halts hair growth. Call it “Stop that Mane” or “Quit the Hair Shit”. Think about it. Get back to me, let’s talk about the percentage of revenue I’ll get. No, not right now, later.

Despite all the weirdness surrounding hair, I still enjoy my hair. I am still super into the compliments I get on it and I get quite a few. All thanks to “Quit the Hair Shit”.

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