I have a new game for you:
Dress up like your own version of Waldo. Try and stay within the confines of what Waldo represents for you, but respect his style, his class, his charm. You know. Then once dressed in your “Where am I even?” attire do a little test run. Look in the mirror and think “Where am I?” if you can find yourself right away, go back, change and spruce up your look. Done? Perfect.
Now, semi hide behind any object and/or person and call out for your roommate to come to the living room/bathroom/cat litterbox/pantry/shoebox you are semi-hiding in. When they come in smile like you are a Caucasian, 50 yr old female who just finished her 13th round of Botox, widen your eyes and LOCK DOWN THAT EYE-CONTACT.
Repeat until you get kicked out of your apartment.
“What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO? I told you to stop the show until I got back from the bathroom! I can’t believe you went on without me. One time. One time I decide, “Hey Helen, now is a good time to pee during a TV show. They’ll pause it. These are good people. These are good people you can trust. These are good, trustworthy people. They wouldn’t go on without you. They would know I need to see every minute of this weeks Sesame Street episode. They would respect my adoration of Big Bird and all his wondrous fluffy feathers that are always impeccably perched. How does he do it? I mean does he use a special conditioner?”
“Well it’s fine Helen we can just go back–”
“NO! It’s not the same. Now you’ve already seen it. It’s doesn’t count. You might as well have just taken my favorite stuffed animal and ripped his head off and–”
“Lets just rewind it, it’s fine.”
“NO! And I mean I am such a good person, I go to the bathroom and then I think “Hey, you know what? You should bring them some fried chicken, they would like that. And then I come back with the gift of god ready for you and you just COMMIT THE SIN of Sesame Street viewing.”
“Didn’t you took a bite out of both of those chicken pieces…?”
“Alright, maybe I just said that for effect, of course I am going to eat all the chicken. It is delicious. But you, you are just rude.”
After purchasing a new pair of summer shoes, I really think the next step is a new boat or water vessel of some sort. After all, what are feet if they’re not going to take me somewhere? Like a sailing competition or the 1600’s?