Strip! Those shoes….

Ever thought about how humans are the only species that wear shoes? We don’t even just wear shoes, I mean we really wear shoes. We invest a good chunk of our lives picking them out, ordering them online at Zalando, learning how to tie them and subsequently tying them for the rest of our lives, tripping on them, putting them into our shoe closet, taking them off, cleaning them, convincing ourselves that buying a $346 pair of shoes is totally worth it in the long run(I mean I’ll wear them for years, and if I wear them every day for 5 years then that is only 19 cents per time I wear them and if I don’t have 19 cents for a pair of shoes everyday then I have much bigger problems). 

But there must be a reason no other species wear shoes, they’re definitely onto something. 

A lot of people are weird about bare feet. I am all about the barefoot. Not outside of course where I could step in some drunk college kid’s urine but in adequate and appropriate places. 

Here is a list of all places people are not allowed to judge you for being barefoot:

1. On a roadtrip –> who are we kidding, you’re not going to keep your boots on the entire ride to wherever you are going. Chances are you’re with people you know really well(and if you aren’t then what are you doing in this car? You should get out now and call your mom, maybe she can come pick you up) so they won’t judge you for your ugly feet. 

2. At the library while studying. How am I supposed to get the juices flowing if my feet are imprisoned?

3. After 3:24 AM, if you have been dancing for 4 to 5 hours straight, your dress is fabulous and your shoes are too but they also evidently have it out for your soul and want to punish you via foot torture. To be clear, bare feet once you LEAVE the club and have walked 5 to 20 meters in the opposite direction of said club. I will not take responsibility for the fact that some people think a club is a great place to take off their 8 inch heels: first of all who told you to buy those? Was it a giraffe? Or perhaps someone on stilts? Also I feel like you will contract some kind of blood or fungus disease. Stop it. Put those shoes back on, they are Noah’s Arc to you.

4. In an airplane. If I am about to spend 12 hours in this tin box with you 340 people lets get comfortable because I am about to pillage this on-board entertainment. Let’s move this relationship to the next level. 

5. When going shoe shopping. Do I really have to put my shoes on again every time I want to move over to the next table of shoes at Nordstrom? That is crazy talk.

 

Just take your shoes off whenever you feel like it. 

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What People Name Their Children

There are many things I can commend parents for doing. Endless amounts of things. Personally, I can’t even imagine having a child right now. Parents not only imagine it, they actually have one. They have a child, they own a person(Is that incorrect to say?). Sometimes, they even have more than one. And it’s just there, in addition to them, hanging out with them 100% of the time. That is a very large percent. They are like the cookies you impulsively buy at a store for whatever reason, that you then place on the counter and then they just stare at you all the time, knowingly, waiting to be eaten. But instead, it’s a living, breathing human, and not a cookie. Actually it’s literally, nothing like a cookie. Your child is essentially as far away from a baked good you can get. (bun in the oven)

Last Friday, I watched a movie with my dad. I know what you’re thinking: “Amyra, you’re crazy. Your life is so vibrant and dynamic” which, yes, is a very correct statement. It was another one of those crazy, I’ll-remember-this-forever Friday nights. Set up in my sweatpants and a vast supply of craisins and peanut m-n-m’s, I was ready to really shake things up. The movie was horrible. Absolutely, a waste of time. I might as well have spent my night the way I spend most other nights: watching various mammal species do adorable things like roll and sleep and then eventually I get frustrated getting stuck with 5 second YouTube ads(Get out of here ads, no one listens to you, we are all literally sitting and counting down until we can click ‘Skip’. Also, rude, because the button to skip is really small and sometimes I miss the ‘Skip’ button which brings me to the actual tab of the ad which I then need to listen to again and close. I see what you did there, I am onto your case YouTube). Anyways, the movie was terrible. It would have been better, had it had a single ounce of content. It must’ve been hard filming with no content. I don’t want to push any movie under the bus so I’ll just make a fake name for the horrible movie, let’s call it “The Lake House” and say it stars Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Just to paint a picture for you.

So I watched this movie, it is finally over, the little sense the beginning offered has definitively been eradicated and the credits are starting to roll in. Directed by, produced by, bim bam boom, lots of people we don’t know. Then, it happened. “Written by Lynzee Klingman” Lynzee Klingman. Lynzee. Klingman. Lynzee. Lynzee. Lynzee wrote “The Lake House”. Her name was Lynzee.

Let me throw out all the spelling versions of the name Lynzee(known to me as of March 10th 2014).

  1. Lynsie
  2. Lindsay
  3. Linsey
  4. Lindsey
  5. Linsie
  6. Lyn-Sie
  7. Lynnsie
  8. Lyndsay

I am going to try to say this in the friendliest way possible.

If you name your child a simple-as-fuck name like Lindsay, no amount of unfitting letters and abnormal puzzling will qualify that common name to be not common. Even if you spell it with 136 silent ‘q’s or put three accents and Umlauts into it, if your name is Sarah, your name will remain Sarah. The only difference is that you will be forced to have this conversation any time you meet someone:

“Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò, the doctor is ready for you.”

“Oh great!”

“Wow, what an interesting name you have!”

“Hi! Thanks! Yeah, my parents really like unique names!”

“How do you pronounce it?”

“Yeah so it’s spelled “Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò”, but it is actually pronounced “Sarah”.”

“What?”

“Yeah, confusing right?”

Trust me, this is not a hashtag worth it situation.

Besides, instead of calling you Sarah Miller or whatever run of the mill white last name you have, people will be forced to call you Sarah witha all the stupid q’s, which in my opinion is vastly worse than Sarah Miller. Additionally, I dare you to try to find a job, with the name Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò. You will never get a job that requires a nametag, because when they receive your employers order, every nametag business will wonder if they accidentally have crack cocaine running in their water and eventually go bankrupt because they spent all their money on expert water testing.

So, to sum up, there are many things I commend parents for. They generally feed their kids, bathe them, read to them, make sure they stay alive: all of the important stuff. Your children are amazing, they will be successful, give back to the world etc. I hope. But, do them a favor; if you are going to name your child Becky, spring for Becky not Behckie. Wanna go unique? Go unique! But try to stay in the fruit/vegetable/foods and the four cardinal directions realm. Who wouldn’t take North West or Apple Martin or Cocoa Arquette seriously? That’s super “in” right now, and, just comes across a lot more appropriate and classy.

You know what I mean.