A New Pair of Shoes

I wonder what it will be like the next time I get one, get a new pair.

A new pair of shoes I mean. I’ll look for such different things in it. Qualifications, you could call them. The color, for one: I’ll choose that differently. It should match everything, but it shouldn’t be bland. It should strike attention without pulling away from the rest of me. Also the laces, they should be stronger next time. Even though I tied and tied them, even trying different ways, they seemed to always open right when I didn’t want them to: while on a run or carrying far too many things at the supermarket. I don’t actually know if it had anything to do with the laces at all, maybe I wasn’t tying right, but I hope and like to think it had nothing to do with what I was doing wrong. Well they weren’t the highest quality laces anyhow. Or maybe they were. Maybe it was the combination of the two.

The bed of the shoe should be softer next time. Or maybe harder? I don’t know what is better or what was wrong really, it just wasn’t right I guess. It didn’t feel right. At times I thought it was like walking on air or a tempurapedic mattress and sometimes I thought my feet were being flung at a brick wall, no warmth, no way to make up for the speed with which I was about to hit this barrier that was the floor. So, I guess I’ll have to see which is better. Because it felt so good to almost lose myself, or my feet I guess, in the softness of the shoes but that can’t be good either can it? You need framework, a solid build, right?

I guess the most important thing is that they have a good sole. A sole that can walk through any terrain and not let my feet come to harm. A stroll through shards or splitters should resemble a walk on the beach: that would be ideal. Something where I know I am protected, where nothing can get through. Things got through with my last pair. A lot did, in fact. I wasn’t protected much. I was at first, but not in the end. I guess that’s what happens to a pair of shoes, you walk, you run, you skip and stroll and tredge through the rockiest of terrains and at some point they can’t hold up anymore. The things you were protecting yourself from and what you thought your trusted pair of shoes would never let through, suddenly does. Exactly what you thought would never be let through. And it’s not their fault. They did the best they could. I think.

I don’t know. I guess in retrospect I don’t really know shoes that well at all.

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Strip! Those shoes….

Ever thought about how humans are the only species that wear shoes? We don’t even just wear shoes, I mean we really wear shoes. We invest a good chunk of our lives picking them out, ordering them online at Zalando, learning how to tie them and subsequently tying them for the rest of our lives, tripping on them, putting them into our shoe closet, taking them off, cleaning them, convincing ourselves that buying a $346 pair of shoes is totally worth it in the long run(I mean I’ll wear them for years, and if I wear them every day for 5 years then that is only 19 cents per time I wear them and if I don’t have 19 cents for a pair of shoes everyday then I have much bigger problems). 

But there must be a reason no other species wear shoes, they’re definitely onto something. 

A lot of people are weird about bare feet. I am all about the barefoot. Not outside of course where I could step in some drunk college kid’s urine but in adequate and appropriate places. 

Here is a list of all places people are not allowed to judge you for being barefoot:

1. On a roadtrip –> who are we kidding, you’re not going to keep your boots on the entire ride to wherever you are going. Chances are you’re with people you know really well(and if you aren’t then what are you doing in this car? You should get out now and call your mom, maybe she can come pick you up) so they won’t judge you for your ugly feet. 

2. At the library while studying. How am I supposed to get the juices flowing if my feet are imprisoned?

3. After 3:24 AM, if you have been dancing for 4 to 5 hours straight, your dress is fabulous and your shoes are too but they also evidently have it out for your soul and want to punish you via foot torture. To be clear, bare feet once you LEAVE the club and have walked 5 to 20 meters in the opposite direction of said club. I will not take responsibility for the fact that some people think a club is a great place to take off their 8 inch heels: first of all who told you to buy those? Was it a giraffe? Or perhaps someone on stilts? Also I feel like you will contract some kind of blood or fungus disease. Stop it. Put those shoes back on, they are Noah’s Arc to you.

4. In an airplane. If I am about to spend 12 hours in this tin box with you 340 people lets get comfortable because I am about to pillage this on-board entertainment. Let’s move this relationship to the next level. 

5. When going shoe shopping. Do I really have to put my shoes on again every time I want to move over to the next table of shoes at Nordstrom? That is crazy talk.

 

Just take your shoes off whenever you feel like it. 

My Best Friend Doesn’t Know Me At All

Don’t you just love modern technology? We can buy our socks from Australia, order pizza from literally anywhere, download One-Directions newest one hit wonder(always hoping that is what it will be so they can finally scurry away and hide behind a rock or boulder maybe) two seconds after it is released on Disney-Radio and download and read the bible on an iPad(the way God intended it). It is easy to say technology has paved many a way for us mere mortals. Paved the way onto the couch, in a comfy chair in a corner, rested up against 3 pillows on my bed with 3 assortments of chips and various gummy bear options, basically paved a way to great places. Once I actually checked the weather from on my phone instead of getting out of bed and looking outside. If that isn’t the way of the modern world, then what is?

 

I did have a reason for this rant of course and this is it. I was on my phone today during my English course because that class sometimes really needs a supplementary activity to keep my eyes from actually closing and me joining a severe REM cycle, and I went into the app store to see what I could get and noticed there was a “Suggestions for you” section. I thought “Who knows me better than the one person/object that is always there for me? The one I always feed, I carry when it can’t stand, I put protective clothing/gear on so it doesn’t get hurt, I protect with my heart and the clenched fist with two to three fight rings. The answer is no one. Of course my phone knows what I want.”

 

So I opened the suggestions box. And this is what my phone thought I could use based on my other downloads:

 

Google Plus.

 

…………

……………….

 

………………………..

YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL PHONE. 

 

So I have made a list of things that are as useful as Google Plus:

 

1. Typing “www.” when you want to go to a website

2. Liking your own Facebook/Instagram pictures –> we all notice and immediately think you are the most pretentious person ever. This is totally not worth the extra like

3. Owning a jeans vest

4. Being really good at writing cursive

5. Knowing the periodic table by heart

6. Having a myspace account(although I have one but purely because I have NO way of accessing it to delete it. It would be great maybe if I could get into contact with Justin Timberlake and he could delete it for me or tell me which way to move forward on this particular matter. Justin, if you see this, just holler!)

7. Knowing the difference between all the different types of milk there are at the supermarket: just drink the one your mom told you to, I won’t tell anyone, it’s fine

8. One shoe

9. Putting water on your toothbrush before you put toothpaste on it, then putting water on it again. You are high maintenance. Think about all the water you are wasting. 

10. While we are on that track, brushing your teeth before a meal. Unless you enjoy the disgusting taste, WHO ARE YOU

11. Beds smaller than a Full sized bed. If I wanted to sleep on a ledge, I would. 

12. Shaving every day. 

13. A set of encyclopedias in Latin 

A Few Reasons People Work out

Reasons people work out(in particular me):

  1. To have an excuse to buy a lot of stretchy clothes
  2. To justify the 4 pounds of pasta slash “CARBS” you engorge after a “hard” workout
  3. To tell your friends or frankly anyone who will listen how many minutes you were on the stair-master for
  4. To be able to carry my own IKEA furniture at IKEA
  5. To be able to carry my own IKEA furniture into my fifth floor apartment
  6. To have a reason to wear more neon clothing than in the 80’s put together times 2
  7. To be able to say “Guys, I am so sore” for a reason other than helping your friend move into their new apartment
  8. To be accepted in society for wearing stretchy pants and workout shoes at the bank, the grocery store, the new 5 star restaurant downtown and to your meeting with your lawyer.
  9. To be able to catch that bus you always miss
  10. To be able to both carry my own groceries and talk on the phone all at once
  11. To not be so sweaty when you dance your face off at a club
  12.  To balance out the pizza and Chinese food you eat 2 to 5 times a week
  13. To be able to, if necessary, run away from Zombies, wild animals, any kind of moving vehicle and any social situation dubbed unnecessary or uncomfortable
  14. To be able to be amazing at any physically engaging drinking game such as a beer run or flip cup
  15. To have an excuse to wear really dorky shoes that usually only CEO’s of tech companies can get away with WP_20140425_12_06_52_Pro