No Pants Challenge

It’s time. Really,it is ABOUT TIME I start another challenge. It’s been over 3 months since my amazing roommates and I went on an insane roller coaster of a journey which I will call our “Juice Fast”

Now that I think of how it was described as a “journey” you know like comparable to a push-the-limits, post-college-grad, absolutely awesome Euro-trip type journey when people were convincing us to do it, I’m tempted to smack those people in the face. They were wrong. Entirely. It was nothing like the vacation I took during college with my best gal pals. Yes, I made weird mixed drinks no one else wanted to touch, became far too aware of anything going in and out of my body and found myself making promises that I knew I would never keep such as:

Euro trip:  “I will definitely start reading all of Voltaire’s poetry in French. Obviously. Anything else would be like cheating culture.”

Juice Fast: “I will definitely continue buying exclusively local produce and eating a complete vegan diet. I don’t know how so many people treat their body like a Wendy’s drive through instead of the temple it obviously is.”

We all know those things never panned out despite my attempts. Sometimes lousy, sometimes less lousy.

So yeah, the juice fast turned out differently than it had been described. Instead of an existential experience it was more like people who are really into seeing other people naked joining a nunnery. Like, all people. Men, women, whatever. I love to eat and juice is not eating. I am not saying it wasn’t great, I am just saying there is something solid to solids foods.

SO, I have decided to take on a new challenge. It came to me today. Me and my body, we get places together. We hang out all of the time. But lately our relationship has revolved around figuring out how long we can “not” work out for and instead cake it after work and watch numerous movies which probably feature Sandra Bullock. So I feel a lot like a Walrus. Or any other animal that doesn’t really have a distinct body shape and is really just there. So, it got me to thinking about how we never spend too much time naked.

Really. Generally we spend the majority of our nakedness either choosing new things to put on to end our nakedness or we are cleaning ourselves. But what if we spent a lot more time not constrained or hiding in our clothes?

So, I have decided to start a “No Pants Week”.

Whenever I get home, I take my pants off and whatever coat/sweater/jacket I am rocking and just proceed with my regular life. Unless it is freezing. Then I can wear a sweater. I am not trying to give myself hypothermia. Come on.

Alrighty, time to take my pants off.

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We are all just mermaids…

…Trying to convince everyone we are humans. 

 

Sometimes when I am underwater in the ocean, or in a pool, or in a fountain I snuck into or a bowl of water I just stuck my head in, I pretend I live there and that it must be really difficult to live in the “air” world. What if we hadn’t evolved to live on earth but had stayed fish and evolved into fish-humans. Fumans.

Do you think Beyonce and frozen yogurt would still have as much to say as they do now?

 

Underwater cameras are the best. These are taken in Croatia near Vodice and in the Krka National Park with 7 of my friends. Our roadtrip from Nuremburg to Croatia was an incredible success. 

A New Pair of Shoes

I wonder what it will be like the next time I get one, get a new pair.

A new pair of shoes I mean. I’ll look for such different things in it. Qualifications, you could call them. The color, for one: I’ll choose that differently. It should match everything, but it shouldn’t be bland. It should strike attention without pulling away from the rest of me. Also the laces, they should be stronger next time. Even though I tied and tied them, even trying different ways, they seemed to always open right when I didn’t want them to: while on a run or carrying far too many things at the supermarket. I don’t actually know if it had anything to do with the laces at all, maybe I wasn’t tying right, but I hope and like to think it had nothing to do with what I was doing wrong. Well they weren’t the highest quality laces anyhow. Or maybe they were. Maybe it was the combination of the two.

The bed of the shoe should be softer next time. Or maybe harder? I don’t know what is better or what was wrong really, it just wasn’t right I guess. It didn’t feel right. At times I thought it was like walking on air or a tempurapedic mattress and sometimes I thought my feet were being flung at a brick wall, no warmth, no way to make up for the speed with which I was about to hit this barrier that was the floor. So, I guess I’ll have to see which is better. Because it felt so good to almost lose myself, or my feet I guess, in the softness of the shoes but that can’t be good either can it? You need framework, a solid build, right?

I guess the most important thing is that they have a good sole. A sole that can walk through any terrain and not let my feet come to harm. A stroll through shards or splitters should resemble a walk on the beach: that would be ideal. Something where I know I am protected, where nothing can get through. Things got through with my last pair. A lot did, in fact. I wasn’t protected much. I was at first, but not in the end. I guess that’s what happens to a pair of shoes, you walk, you run, you skip and stroll and tredge through the rockiest of terrains and at some point they can’t hold up anymore. The things you were protecting yourself from and what you thought your trusted pair of shoes would never let through, suddenly does. Exactly what you thought would never be let through. And it’s not their fault. They did the best they could. I think.

I don’t know. I guess in retrospect I don’t really know shoes that well at all.

The Day I found Out I wasn’t Fresh

The Day I found Out I wasn't Fresh

“Hey Amyra”

“Papaaaaaaa”

“Amyra, I need to tell you something”

“What? Is it about the stuffed animal I stole from Helen? Because she totally deserved it. She took my playdough.”

“No, Amyra it’s–”

“–Is it about that smell? I swear have nothing to do with that. I haven’t even smelled it. It is so fresh in here. Like Febreeze or apples.”

“No, but now that you mention–”

“–Is it about that time when I ate the entire jar of Nutella? I’m sorry, I was hungry. i realize Nutella is expensive and I don’t even know why you think it’s unhealthy I mean chocolate comes from cocoa and cocoa comes from trees so I mean how unhealthy can it be? Right? I mean trees are totally important. That’s why I donated to that “Save the Rain Forests Charity” 3 years ago.”

“I don’t remember you donating?”

“Ok, so I only took the pamphlet but at least I read it. Half of it.”

“Hmm, um ok. No I wanted to talk to you about something else. I have to tell–”

“Is it about your bed? About that time I peed in it? I swear I was having a dream I was on the toilet it’s not like I would just do that all the time because I think beds are an adequate and fitting location to alleviate my bladder, I really was dreaming that–”

“Amyra! No! It’s not about the bed urination!”

“Well then what?”

“I just finally had to tell you wearing that hat, doesn’t make you The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. In fact you are as far away from Will Smith as you can get. You’re just a very small caucausian young female. ”

“Well that’s just rude.”

The Challenges of a one-man-show

Things I can’t do by myself:

  1. Play Hide and Seek
  2. Get a 2 for 1 movie theater deal
  3. Go on the see-saw
  4. Do a round of Limbo
  5. Set up IKEA furniture correctly
  6. Play flip-cup
  7. Watch the news and understand everything
  8. Make a tasteful and profitable adult film
  9. Go on an Easter Egg Hunt
  10. Get pregnant
  11. Do a chin-up
  12. Go on a jog for longer than 30 minutes
  13. Fold anything larger than my body size
  14. Break into my own apartment
  15. Bake anything
  16. Watch anything that might remotely scare me like an episode of “Smallville”
  17. Be a twin
  18. Not eat the entire bag of chocolate/gummy bears/chips I just opened_MG_1938