Amazing Puns

When people are so corny….

 

“Girl, I am always drunk: drunk on life.”

“That statement, made me throw up in my mouth a little bit…because I choked on all that corn.”

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A Few Reasons People Work out

Reasons people work out(in particular me):

  1. To have an excuse to buy a lot of stretchy clothes
  2. To justify the 4 pounds of pasta slash “CARBS” you engorge after a “hard” workout
  3. To tell your friends or frankly anyone who will listen how many minutes you were on the stair-master for
  4. To be able to carry my own IKEA furniture at IKEA
  5. To be able to carry my own IKEA furniture into my fifth floor apartment
  6. To have a reason to wear more neon clothing than in the 80’s put together times 2
  7. To be able to say “Guys, I am so sore” for a reason other than helping your friend move into their new apartment
  8. To be accepted in society for wearing stretchy pants and workout shoes at the bank, the grocery store, the new 5 star restaurant downtown and to your meeting with your lawyer.
  9. To be able to catch that bus you always miss
  10. To be able to both carry my own groceries and talk on the phone all at once
  11. To not be so sweaty when you dance your face off at a club
  12.  To balance out the pizza and Chinese food you eat 2 to 5 times a week
  13. To be able to, if necessary, run away from Zombies, wild animals, any kind of moving vehicle and any social situation dubbed unnecessary or uncomfortable
  14. To be able to be amazing at any physically engaging drinking game such as a beer run or flip cup
  15. To have an excuse to wear really dorky shoes that usually only CEO’s of tech companies can get away with WP_20140425_12_06_52_Pro

What People Name Their Children

There are many things I can commend parents for doing. Endless amounts of things. Personally, I can’t even imagine having a child right now. Parents not only imagine it, they actually have one. They have a child, they own a person(Is that incorrect to say?). Sometimes, they even have more than one. And it’s just there, in addition to them, hanging out with them 100% of the time. That is a very large percent. They are like the cookies you impulsively buy at a store for whatever reason, that you then place on the counter and then they just stare at you all the time, knowingly, waiting to be eaten. But instead, it’s a living, breathing human, and not a cookie. Actually it’s literally, nothing like a cookie. Your child is essentially as far away from a baked good you can get. (bun in the oven)

Last Friday, I watched a movie with my dad. I know what you’re thinking: “Amyra, you’re crazy. Your life is so vibrant and dynamic” which, yes, is a very correct statement. It was another one of those crazy, I’ll-remember-this-forever Friday nights. Set up in my sweatpants and a vast supply of craisins and peanut m-n-m’s, I was ready to really shake things up. The movie was horrible. Absolutely, a waste of time. I might as well have spent my night the way I spend most other nights: watching various mammal species do adorable things like roll and sleep and then eventually I get frustrated getting stuck with 5 second YouTube ads(Get out of here ads, no one listens to you, we are all literally sitting and counting down until we can click ‘Skip’. Also, rude, because the button to skip is really small and sometimes I miss the ‘Skip’ button which brings me to the actual tab of the ad which I then need to listen to again and close. I see what you did there, I am onto your case YouTube). Anyways, the movie was terrible. It would have been better, had it had a single ounce of content. It must’ve been hard filming with no content. I don’t want to push any movie under the bus so I’ll just make a fake name for the horrible movie, let’s call it “The Lake House” and say it stars Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Just to paint a picture for you.

So I watched this movie, it is finally over, the little sense the beginning offered has definitively been eradicated and the credits are starting to roll in. Directed by, produced by, bim bam boom, lots of people we don’t know. Then, it happened. “Written by Lynzee Klingman” Lynzee Klingman. Lynzee. Klingman. Lynzee. Lynzee. Lynzee wrote “The Lake House”. Her name was Lynzee.

Let me throw out all the spelling versions of the name Lynzee(known to me as of March 10th 2014).

  1. Lynsie
  2. Lindsay
  3. Linsey
  4. Lindsey
  5. Linsie
  6. Lyn-Sie
  7. Lynnsie
  8. Lyndsay

I am going to try to say this in the friendliest way possible.

If you name your child a simple-as-fuck name like Lindsay, no amount of unfitting letters and abnormal puzzling will qualify that common name to be not common. Even if you spell it with 136 silent ‘q’s or put three accents and Umlauts into it, if your name is Sarah, your name will remain Sarah. The only difference is that you will be forced to have this conversation any time you meet someone:

“Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò, the doctor is ready for you.”

“Oh great!”

“Wow, what an interesting name you have!”

“Hi! Thanks! Yeah, my parents really like unique names!”

“How do you pronounce it?”

“Yeah so it’s spelled “Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò”, but it is actually pronounced “Sarah”.”

“What?”

“Yeah, confusing right?”

Trust me, this is not a hashtag worth it situation.

Besides, instead of calling you Sarah Miller or whatever run of the mill white last name you have, people will be forced to call you Sarah witha all the stupid q’s, which in my opinion is vastly worse than Sarah Miller. Additionally, I dare you to try to find a job, with the name Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò. You will never get a job that requires a nametag, because when they receive your employers order, every nametag business will wonder if they accidentally have crack cocaine running in their water and eventually go bankrupt because they spent all their money on expert water testing.

So, to sum up, there are many things I commend parents for. They generally feed their kids, bathe them, read to them, make sure they stay alive: all of the important stuff. Your children are amazing, they will be successful, give back to the world etc. I hope. But, do them a favor; if you are going to name your child Becky, spring for Becky not Behckie. Wanna go unique? Go unique! But try to stay in the fruit/vegetable/foods and the four cardinal directions realm. Who wouldn’t take North West or Apple Martin or Cocoa Arquette seriously? That’s super “in” right now, and, just comes across a lot more appropriate and classy.

You know what I mean. 

Getting My First Car

Getting My First Car

“Amyra! Change the song!”

“Helen, are you sure this is the right way?”

“Yeah!”

“Ok. Hey what happens when I press this button?”

“DON’T DO THAT”

“Why? I think I will, it looks good.”

“No! Amyra! This isn’t like that wheelbarrow we have at home, this is the real deal!”

“Is that why you have pumpkin on your face?”

“Yes! Because we are incognito!”

“I still think it was a bad decision to steal this car.”