Amazing Puns

When people are so corny….

 

“Girl, I am always drunk: drunk on life.”

“That statement, made me throw up in my mouth a little bit…because I choked on all that corn.”

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Where’s Waldo?

I have a new game for you:

 

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Dress up like your own version of Waldo. Try and stay within the confines of what Waldo represents for you, but respect his style, his class, his charm. You know. Then once dressed in your “Where am I even?” attire do a little test run. Look in the mirror and think “Where am I?” if you can find yourself right away, go back, change and spruce up your look. Done? Perfect.

Now, semi hide behind any object and/or person and call out for your roommate to come to the living room/bathroom/cat litterbox/pantry/shoebox you are semi-hiding in. When they come in smile like you are a Caucasian, 50 yr old female who just finished her 13th round of Botox, widen your eyes and LOCK DOWN THAT EYE-CONTACT.

Repeat until you get kicked out of your apartment.

The Day I found Out I wasn’t Fresh

The Day I found Out I wasn't Fresh

“Hey Amyra”

“Papaaaaaaa”

“Amyra, I need to tell you something”

“What? Is it about the stuffed animal I stole from Helen? Because she totally deserved it. She took my playdough.”

“No, Amyra it’s–”

“–Is it about that smell? I swear have nothing to do with that. I haven’t even smelled it. It is so fresh in here. Like Febreeze or apples.”

“No, but now that you mention–”

“–Is it about that time when I ate the entire jar of Nutella? I’m sorry, I was hungry. i realize Nutella is expensive and I don’t even know why you think it’s unhealthy I mean chocolate comes from cocoa and cocoa comes from trees so I mean how unhealthy can it be? Right? I mean trees are totally important. That’s why I donated to that “Save the Rain Forests Charity” 3 years ago.”

“I don’t remember you donating?”

“Ok, so I only took the pamphlet but at least I read it. Half of it.”

“Hmm, um ok. No I wanted to talk to you about something else. I have to tell–”

“Is it about your bed? About that time I peed in it? I swear I was having a dream I was on the toilet it’s not like I would just do that all the time because I think beds are an adequate and fitting location to alleviate my bladder, I really was dreaming that–”

“Amyra! No! It’s not about the bed urination!”

“Well then what?”

“I just finally had to tell you wearing that hat, doesn’t make you The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. In fact you are as far away from Will Smith as you can get. You’re just a very small caucausian young female. ”

“Well that’s just rude.”

A Few Reasons People Work out

Reasons people work out(in particular me):

  1. To have an excuse to buy a lot of stretchy clothes
  2. To justify the 4 pounds of pasta slash “CARBS” you engorge after a “hard” workout
  3. To tell your friends or frankly anyone who will listen how many minutes you were on the stair-master for
  4. To be able to carry my own IKEA furniture at IKEA
  5. To be able to carry my own IKEA furniture into my fifth floor apartment
  6. To have a reason to wear more neon clothing than in the 80’s put together times 2
  7. To be able to say “Guys, I am so sore” for a reason other than helping your friend move into their new apartment
  8. To be accepted in society for wearing stretchy pants and workout shoes at the bank, the grocery store, the new 5 star restaurant downtown and to your meeting with your lawyer.
  9. To be able to catch that bus you always miss
  10. To be able to both carry my own groceries and talk on the phone all at once
  11. To not be so sweaty when you dance your face off at a club
  12.  To balance out the pizza and Chinese food you eat 2 to 5 times a week
  13. To be able to, if necessary, run away from Zombies, wild animals, any kind of moving vehicle and any social situation dubbed unnecessary or uncomfortable
  14. To be able to be amazing at any physically engaging drinking game such as a beer run or flip cup
  15. To have an excuse to wear really dorky shoes that usually only CEO’s of tech companies can get away with WP_20140425_12_06_52_Pro

Banana-Watch

Banana-Watch

For me personally, it is always important to stay on the tip of the technology market’s tongue. You know what I mean.

Introducing the newest addition to Banana Products: the Banana-Watch. Rivaling smartwatches everywhere, not only does the Banana-Watch connect you physically, but also healthily; we all know Potassium is essential.

The Challenges of a one-man-show

Things I can’t do by myself:

  1. Play Hide and Seek
  2. Get a 2 for 1 movie theater deal
  3. Go on the see-saw
  4. Do a round of Limbo
  5. Set up IKEA furniture correctly
  6. Play flip-cup
  7. Watch the news and understand everything
  8. Make a tasteful and profitable adult film
  9. Go on an Easter Egg Hunt
  10. Get pregnant
  11. Do a chin-up
  12. Go on a jog for longer than 30 minutes
  13. Fold anything larger than my body size
  14. Break into my own apartment
  15. Bake anything
  16. Watch anything that might remotely scare me like an episode of “Smallville”
  17. Be a twin
  18. Not eat the entire bag of chocolate/gummy bears/chips I just opened_MG_1938