The Day I Realized My Older Sister Wasn’t A Professional Hair Stylist

The Day I Realized My Older Sister Wasn't A Professional Hair Stylist

“Amyra, you look really good. Just smile to the camera.”

“Thanks for working on my hair Helen.”

“You’re welcome!”

“So you’re sure this is how they work?”




“Shouldn’t there be hair in the curlers?”

“No! Why?”

“Oh, I don’t know….just always seemed that way.”

“Amyra, if you think you know everything, just do it yourself!”

“NO! That’s not what I meant, I mean of course there shouldn’t be hair in the curlers. My B”

“Told you.”

“So when we take these out, will my hair be curly?”

“What do you mean take them out?”

“Well when we take out the curlers, my hair should be wavy or whatever right?”

“NO! You have to leave them in! That’s how it works! It looks really good!”


“Are you going to trust me?? I have glasses and you don’t!”

“I will not trust you on your spectacle history alone! This is ridiculous!”

“FINE! Then I am done!!!”

“Well, just smile for the picture!! We will talk about this later!!”


Quit the Hair Shit

Hair is such a weird thing. We brush it, we wash it, we invented a chemical called shampoo to disentangle it? And then another chemical to like it more when we touch it? What is this adoration of soft hair about? I have completely fallen victim to it as well, don’t get me wrong. I love a good hair petting any day, but why do we care so much? Enough to have an entire industry revolve around charging me money to wash my hair. Did you know your hair is actually self-sufficient in cleaning itself, but we have dulled our natural production of cleaning oils with our use of shampoo and conditioner to the point that it is non-existent? THANKS PANTENE! And then hair product companies want to charge me $5.99 for a little bottle of shampoo for something I can do myself? I do not think so.

**Disclaimer, I still use shampoo, don’t think I am a pig, but it seems more dramatic if I say I don’t and what’s the point if I don’t preserve the drama you know?**

What’s really weird is that we are really into complimenting each other on our hair. Basically my entire middle school experience was: coming to school(too late obviously), getting to class, putting on my smackers chap-stick that smelled of some horrible fruit combination like watermelon-grape(ew how did I ever use those?!), sitting down and commenting on everyone’s hair that day. “Stacey, your hair looks so good! Did you crimp it last night?”. I remember when crimping was a thing. What was going on? No one looked too far into that did they? To continue my point, everyone was always complimenting everyone on their hair. Why? Does it really deserve a compliment? It’s not like I researched for a while, invested time in going to stores, went to college, majored in hair maintenance and found the best kind! I literally grew it myself. “Oh my god, Amyra your hair looks really good today!” …”Thanks Shawna, I’ve really been working hard on maintaining the production in my hair follicles!”. No, Shawna, don’t be silly. Get back to your chap-stick.

The best part is I don’t even try to grow it, it just happens. I have zero control over whether or not my hair keeps coming out of my head or not. When was the last time you went “Ohhhhhh I’m so stupid! I forgot to grow my hair again! SHIT. I really need it for my meeting tomorrow.”? Never, it’s like crying when Nemo’s mom dies in the beginning of Finding Nemo and his dad is just yelling around for her. You’re just hanging out, doing your thing and it just happens, no need to think about it. Literally, when I die, I will continue to grow hair. My body doesn’t even need me for my hair. I can be lifeless and the most boring person ever and still grow awesome hair.

What if we could decide for a while, just to not grow our hair and save the money we spend on haircuts? Supercuts, what is it? $10? That’s like 2 quality burritos, 3 if you’re pretty lenient on the quality. Maybe a little too lenient. That would be a great idea. Patent that product!

Herbal Essences here’s what I am laying down for you: stop spending money on extra-strong fans for your next  uber realistic commercial where a stunning girl walks down this street and then ties her hair in a knot(worth it) and then proceeds to untie it(worth it?) and shake it away in a ghust of wind.  Instead  invest some money in inventing a product that halts hair growth. Call it “Stop that Mane” or “Quit the Hair Shit”. Think about it. Get back to me, let’s talk about the percentage of revenue I’ll get. No, not right now, later.

Despite all the weirdness surrounding hair, I still enjoy my hair. I am still super into the compliments I get on it and I get quite a few. All thanks to “Quit the Hair Shit”.