“What?! I am closer to living under a bridge than buying a house.”
Ever thought about how humans are the only species that wear shoes? We don’t even just wear shoes, I mean we really wear shoes. We invest a good chunk of our lives picking them out, ordering them online at Zalando, learning how to tie them and subsequently tying them for the rest of our lives, tripping on them, putting them into our shoe closet, taking them off, cleaning them, convincing ourselves that buying a $346 pair of shoes is totally worth it in the long run(I mean I’ll wear them for years, and if I wear them every day for 5 years then that is only 19 cents per time I wear them and if I don’t have 19 cents for a pair of shoes everyday then I have much bigger problems).
But there must be a reason no other species wear shoes, they’re definitely onto something.
A lot of people are weird about bare feet. I am all about the barefoot. Not outside of course where I could step in some drunk college kid’s urine but in adequate and appropriate places.
Here is a list of all places people are not allowed to judge you for being barefoot:
1. On a roadtrip –> who are we kidding, you’re not going to keep your boots on the entire ride to wherever you are going. Chances are you’re with people you know really well(and if you aren’t then what are you doing in this car? You should get out now and call your mom, maybe she can come pick you up) so they won’t judge you for your ugly feet.
2. At the library while studying. How am I supposed to get the juices flowing if my feet are imprisoned?
3. After 3:24 AM, if you have been dancing for 4 to 5 hours straight, your dress is fabulous and your shoes are too but they also evidently have it out for your soul and want to punish you via foot torture. To be clear, bare feet once you LEAVE the club and have walked 5 to 20 meters in the opposite direction of said club. I will not take responsibility for the fact that some people think a club is a great place to take off their 8 inch heels: first of all who told you to buy those? Was it a giraffe? Or perhaps someone on stilts? Also I feel like you will contract some kind of blood or fungus disease. Stop it. Put those shoes back on, they are Noah’s Arc to you.
4. In an airplane. If I am about to spend 12 hours in this tin box with you 340 people lets get comfortable because I am about to pillage this on-board entertainment. Let’s move this relationship to the next level.
5. When going shoe shopping. Do I really have to put my shoes on again every time I want to move over to the next table of shoes at Nordstrom? That is crazy talk.
Just take your shoes off whenever you feel like it.
You know you live with encouraging and life-supporting people when your roommates reaction to your hair is “Oh my god, did your hair explode?” “
Yes, I am that person who takes her mouse and mouse-pad everywhere with her. I like comfort and ease and feeling professional. I’m SORRY.
You come to me in 15 years talking to me about the wrist exercises your chiropractor told you about for the muscle you pulled in your palm, then we will talk.
I have a new game for you:
Dress up like your own version of Waldo. Try and stay within the confines of what Waldo represents for you, but respect his style, his class, his charm. You know. Then once dressed in your “Where am I even?” attire do a little test run. Look in the mirror and think “Where am I?” if you can find yourself right away, go back, change and spruce up your look. Done? Perfect.
Now, semi hide behind any object and/or person and call out for your roommate to come to the living room/bathroom/cat litterbox/pantry/shoebox you are semi-hiding in. When they come in smile like you are a Caucasian, 50 yr old female who just finished her 13th round of Botox, widen your eyes and LOCK DOWN THAT EYE-CONTACT.
Repeat until you get kicked out of your apartment.
Ever feel like you can just feel your ovaries in your body? Yeah, me either.
It is day 5! Halfway done! Crazy how fast it is going.
I am feeling really okay. Not hungry at all, and if I am then I drink some juice. Bim bam. Maybe I won’t stop and I will just drink juice my entire life. Just kidding. I already have an extensive list of food I will be eating which includes 4 different burgers from 3 different restaurants. But I do think I will change my approach to the way I eat.
Additionally, doing this detox has made me realize how many activities in the realms of my very dynamic and exuberant life revolve around eating and drinking and eating more and drinking and eating a cookie and drinking a beer and eating everything. Never in my life have I been a true activist of organizing so many recreational activities as now. I have been to a lake for an afternoon outing where we played cards for about an hour. I went bowling, because it sounded like fun. When have I ever done that? Answer: never because I have never been 80 years old, until now. Bowling was actually super fun and I was very good at it and it mainly had to do with the fact that 50% of the people playing were consuming an alcoholic beverage of some sort and my fellow sober sisters weren’t exactly Olympic trained bowlers. Proceeding to my next recreational activity, this I believe the true frosting on the cake that is detox-hobbies: mini golf. Remember when your weird uncle who wears purple a lot and smells kind of like a mixture of bananas and mold asked you if you wanted to play mini golf when you were 7 and you just knew you didn’t and since then you’ve always know no good thing comes from mini golf? Well it turns out it is a very humorous way of passing time. I am terrible but it was very cute to watch the 8 year old behind us make nearly a hole in one every time and experience all 7 of us full grown college educated adults smile with a little bit of hate every time we realized again how much of a boss this kid is. How is this kid such a boss? He was truly the Iron Man of mini golfing. It must be something, maybe he drinks a lot of milk or pediasure.
Well, today I just went into the sunny city for a juice with the fellow drinking gals, less retired-golf-addicted-khaki-wearing-60-yr-old activity and more regular 20 year old hours of the day. 🙂
How about we all collectively decide to be finished with taking buzzfeed and other various discredited website’s quizzes to determine what spirit animal, Disney character, Beyonce song or fruit you are? Doesn’t that sound like a good idea?
Because, if we strip ourselves from all the crazy-quiz-crap, you are evidently not a tomato. You are just you. No matter how many times you take that quiz.
I have a perfect body for female Grecian statues, you wouldn’t even need marble, I am white enough.
Don’t you just love modern technology? We can buy our socks from Australia, order pizza from literally anywhere, download One-Directions newest one hit wonder(always hoping that is what it will be so they can finally scurry away and hide behind a rock or boulder maybe) two seconds after it is released on Disney-Radio and download and read the bible on an iPad(the way God intended it). It is easy to say technology has paved many a way for us mere mortals. Paved the way onto the couch, in a comfy chair in a corner, rested up against 3 pillows on my bed with 3 assortments of chips and various gummy bear options, basically paved a way to great places. Once I actually checked the weather from on my phone instead of getting out of bed and looking outside. If that isn’t the way of the modern world, then what is?
I did have a reason for this rant of course and this is it. I was on my phone today during my English course because that class sometimes really needs a supplementary activity to keep my eyes from actually closing and me joining a severe REM cycle, and I went into the app store to see what I could get and noticed there was a “Suggestions for you” section. I thought “Who knows me better than the one person/object that is always there for me? The one I always feed, I carry when it can’t stand, I put protective clothing/gear on so it doesn’t get hurt, I protect with my heart and the clenched fist with two to three fight rings. The answer is no one. Of course my phone knows what I want.”
So I opened the suggestions box. And this is what my phone thought I could use based on my other downloads:
YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL PHONE.
So I have made a list of things that are as useful as Google Plus:
1. Typing “www.” when you want to go to a website
2. Liking your own Facebook/Instagram pictures –> we all notice and immediately think you are the most pretentious person ever. This is totally not worth the extra like
3. Owning a jeans vest
4. Being really good at writing cursive
5. Knowing the periodic table by heart
6. Having a myspace account(although I have one but purely because I have NO way of accessing it to delete it. It would be great maybe if I could get into contact with Justin Timberlake and he could delete it for me or tell me which way to move forward on this particular matter. Justin, if you see this, just holler!)
7. Knowing the difference between all the different types of milk there are at the supermarket: just drink the one your mom told you to, I won’t tell anyone, it’s fine
8. One shoe
9. Putting water on your toothbrush before you put toothpaste on it, then putting water on it again. You are high maintenance. Think about all the water you are wasting.
10. While we are on that track, brushing your teeth before a meal. Unless you enjoy the disgusting taste, WHO ARE YOU
11. Beds smaller than a Full sized bed. If I wanted to sleep on a ledge, I would.
12. Shaving every day.
13. A set of encyclopedias in Latin