My Best Friend Doesn’t Know Me At All

Don’t you just love modern technology? We can buy our socks from Australia, order pizza from literally anywhere, download One-Directions newest one hit wonder(always hoping that is what it will be so they can finally scurry away and hide behind a rock or boulder maybe) two seconds after it is released on Disney-Radio and download and read the bible on an iPad(the way God intended it). It is easy to say technology has paved many a way for us mere mortals. Paved the way onto the couch, in a comfy chair in a corner, rested up against 3 pillows on my bed with 3 assortments of chips and various gummy bear options, basically paved a way to great places. Once I actually checked the weather from on my phone instead of getting out of bed and looking outside. If that isn’t the way of the modern world, then what is?

 

I did have a reason for this rant of course and this is it. I was on my phone today during my English course because that class sometimes really needs a supplementary activity to keep my eyes from actually closing and me joining a severe REM cycle, and I went into the app store to see what I could get and noticed there was a “Suggestions for you” section. I thought “Who knows me better than the one person/object that is always there for me? The one I always feed, I carry when it can’t stand, I put protective clothing/gear on so it doesn’t get hurt, I protect with my heart and the clenched fist with two to three fight rings. The answer is no one. Of course my phone knows what I want.”

 

So I opened the suggestions box. And this is what my phone thought I could use based on my other downloads:

 

Google Plus.

 

…………

……………….

 

………………………..

YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL PHONE. 

 

So I have made a list of things that are as useful as Google Plus:

 

1. Typing “www.” when you want to go to a website

2. Liking your own Facebook/Instagram pictures –> we all notice and immediately think you are the most pretentious person ever. This is totally not worth the extra like

3. Owning a jeans vest

4. Being really good at writing cursive

5. Knowing the periodic table by heart

6. Having a myspace account(although I have one but purely because I have NO way of accessing it to delete it. It would be great maybe if I could get into contact with Justin Timberlake and he could delete it for me or tell me which way to move forward on this particular matter. Justin, if you see this, just holler!)

7. Knowing the difference between all the different types of milk there are at the supermarket: just drink the one your mom told you to, I won’t tell anyone, it’s fine

8. One shoe

9. Putting water on your toothbrush before you put toothpaste on it, then putting water on it again. You are high maintenance. Think about all the water you are wasting. 

10. While we are on that track, brushing your teeth before a meal. Unless you enjoy the disgusting taste, WHO ARE YOU

11. Beds smaller than a Full sized bed. If I wanted to sleep on a ledge, I would. 

12. Shaving every day. 

13. A set of encyclopedias in Latin 

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What People Name Their Children

There are many things I can commend parents for doing. Endless amounts of things. Personally, I can’t even imagine having a child right now. Parents not only imagine it, they actually have one. They have a child, they own a person(Is that incorrect to say?). Sometimes, they even have more than one. And it’s just there, in addition to them, hanging out with them 100% of the time. That is a very large percent. They are like the cookies you impulsively buy at a store for whatever reason, that you then place on the counter and then they just stare at you all the time, knowingly, waiting to be eaten. But instead, it’s a living, breathing human, and not a cookie. Actually it’s literally, nothing like a cookie. Your child is essentially as far away from a baked good you can get. (bun in the oven)

Last Friday, I watched a movie with my dad. I know what you’re thinking: “Amyra, you’re crazy. Your life is so vibrant and dynamic” which, yes, is a very correct statement. It was another one of those crazy, I’ll-remember-this-forever Friday nights. Set up in my sweatpants and a vast supply of craisins and peanut m-n-m’s, I was ready to really shake things up. The movie was horrible. Absolutely, a waste of time. I might as well have spent my night the way I spend most other nights: watching various mammal species do adorable things like roll and sleep and then eventually I get frustrated getting stuck with 5 second YouTube ads(Get out of here ads, no one listens to you, we are all literally sitting and counting down until we can click ‘Skip’. Also, rude, because the button to skip is really small and sometimes I miss the ‘Skip’ button which brings me to the actual tab of the ad which I then need to listen to again and close. I see what you did there, I am onto your case YouTube). Anyways, the movie was terrible. It would have been better, had it had a single ounce of content. It must’ve been hard filming with no content. I don’t want to push any movie under the bus so I’ll just make a fake name for the horrible movie, let’s call it “The Lake House” and say it stars Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Just to paint a picture for you.

So I watched this movie, it is finally over, the little sense the beginning offered has definitively been eradicated and the credits are starting to roll in. Directed by, produced by, bim bam boom, lots of people we don’t know. Then, it happened. “Written by Lynzee Klingman” Lynzee Klingman. Lynzee. Klingman. Lynzee. Lynzee. Lynzee wrote “The Lake House”. Her name was Lynzee.

Let me throw out all the spelling versions of the name Lynzee(known to me as of March 10th 2014).

  1. Lynsie
  2. Lindsay
  3. Linsey
  4. Lindsey
  5. Linsie
  6. Lyn-Sie
  7. Lynnsie
  8. Lyndsay

I am going to try to say this in the friendliest way possible.

If you name your child a simple-as-fuck name like Lindsay, no amount of unfitting letters and abnormal puzzling will qualify that common name to be not common. Even if you spell it with 136 silent ‘q’s or put three accents and Umlauts into it, if your name is Sarah, your name will remain Sarah. The only difference is that you will be forced to have this conversation any time you meet someone:

“Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò, the doctor is ready for you.”

“Oh great!”

“Wow, what an interesting name you have!”

“Hi! Thanks! Yeah, my parents really like unique names!”

“How do you pronounce it?”

“Yeah so it’s spelled “Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò”, but it is actually pronounced “Sarah”.”

“What?”

“Yeah, confusing right?”

Trust me, this is not a hashtag worth it situation.

Besides, instead of calling you Sarah Miller or whatever run of the mill white last name you have, people will be forced to call you Sarah witha all the stupid q’s, which in my opinion is vastly worse than Sarah Miller. Additionally, I dare you to try to find a job, with the name Wøebsryalïryuqqqqarbhäò. You will never get a job that requires a nametag, because when they receive your employers order, every nametag business will wonder if they accidentally have crack cocaine running in their water and eventually go bankrupt because they spent all their money on expert water testing.

So, to sum up, there are many things I commend parents for. They generally feed their kids, bathe them, read to them, make sure they stay alive: all of the important stuff. Your children are amazing, they will be successful, give back to the world etc. I hope. But, do them a favor; if you are going to name your child Becky, spring for Becky not Behckie. Wanna go unique? Go unique! But try to stay in the fruit/vegetable/foods and the four cardinal directions realm. Who wouldn’t take North West or Apple Martin or Cocoa Arquette seriously? That’s super “in” right now, and, just comes across a lot more appropriate and classy.

You know what I mean.