Ever thought about how humans are the only species that wear shoes? We don’t even just wear shoes, I mean we really wear shoes. We invest a good chunk of our lives picking them out, ordering them online at Zalando, learning how to tie them and subsequently tying them for the rest of our lives, tripping on them, putting them into our shoe closet, taking them off, cleaning them, convincing ourselves that buying a $346 pair of shoes is totally worth it in the long run(I mean I’ll wear them for years, and if I wear them every day for 5 years then that is only 19 cents per time I wear them and if I don’t have 19 cents for a pair of shoes everyday then I have much bigger problems).
But there must be a reason no other species wear shoes, they’re definitely onto something.
A lot of people are weird about bare feet. I am all about the barefoot. Not outside of course where I could step in some drunk college kid’s urine but in adequate and appropriate places.
Here is a list of all places people are not allowed to judge you for being barefoot:
1. On a roadtrip –> who are we kidding, you’re not going to keep your boots on the entire ride to wherever you are going. Chances are you’re with people you know really well(and if you aren’t then what are you doing in this car? You should get out now and call your mom, maybe she can come pick you up) so they won’t judge you for your ugly feet.
2. At the library while studying. How am I supposed to get the juices flowing if my feet are imprisoned?
3. After 3:24 AM, if you have been dancing for 4 to 5 hours straight, your dress is fabulous and your shoes are too but they also evidently have it out for your soul and want to punish you via foot torture. To be clear, bare feet once you LEAVE the club and have walked 5 to 20 meters in the opposite direction of said club. I will not take responsibility for the fact that some people think a club is a great place to take off their 8 inch heels: first of all who told you to buy those? Was it a giraffe? Or perhaps someone on stilts? Also I feel like you will contract some kind of blood or fungus disease. Stop it. Put those shoes back on, they are Noah’s Arc to you.
4. In an airplane. If I am about to spend 12 hours in this tin box with you 340 people lets get comfortable because I am about to pillage this on-board entertainment. Let’s move this relationship to the next level.
5. When going shoe shopping. Do I really have to put my shoes on again every time I want to move over to the next table of shoes at Nordstrom? That is crazy talk.
Just take your shoes off whenever you feel like it.